CHATELAINE ENVY

I’m a light packer, so I need this thang

I love to travel whenever I get the chance, and I pride myself on packing light.

OK. I kinda want to have a grammar argument here, because to say “packing lightly” indicates that I’d be gamboling between closet and backpack, lilting lingerie-like frilly dresses into a lunchbox-sized bag, à la Grace Kelly in Rear Window, when she scandalizes Jimmy Stewart by producing a little negligee and kitten heels from a pert little train case with a clasp. It’s sooooo tiny, OMG, PRINCESS! (We’ll talk about loving tiny things at another time.)

I always marveled at that scene, and how crisp and all around stunning Grace Kelly is that whole movie, while trying way too hard to keep Jimmy’s attention. Yeah, I said it. Leave him be, Grace. What is meant for you will find you.

Besides, I could not “lilt” if I tried, being a large and somewhat clumsy woman (and please don’t feel sorry for me, I fully embrace this and there are so many of us and we don’t care bwahahahaaaaaa), and though I pack light, I prefer bags bigger than a lunchbox. I usually do a backpack and a crossbody bag. For my whole trip. I wear one pair of shoes, and they have to do. MAYBE I’ll add in my kayaking sandals or some other really pancake-flat footwear, like a pair of ballet flats if I decide to GO ABSOLUTELY EFFIN’ (sometimes I cuss!) CRAZY with the footwear. But no, I have to choose my one main pair of travel shoes, and the choice is almost always: slip-ins or Chelsea boots. They have to be easy on and off, super comfy, grippy (see: clumsy), and they have to go with all my outfits. Which means one to two black stretchy thingies outfits, so not too hard, or impressive, fashion-wise. This is the biggest decision each trip. I make myself pick. (It actually hurts, sometimes. I love shoes.) On the journey, I wear things repeatedly. I pack all black so everything matches. I’m there to see and experience stuff, not to peacock. 🦚 (There’s a PEACOCK emoji, how could I not?) Also, I’m looking at YOU, influencers. (Can we talk about trying to eke a peek out a haunted castle window while some vlogger does repeated takes? OMG, move over or I’ll haunt you myself.)

I like things to multi-task: My phone case is also my wallet. My pashmina is also my flight blankie. My jacket is also my neck pillow. Everything I carry has to be efficient. Capsules over gummies. Toothpaste tabs over a tube of toothpaste. Baby shampoo can be face wash, body wash, and soap. AND, I’ve just heard that you can use VODKA instead of Febreze to remove odors from clothing. I wonder if vodka has any other uses? Hmmm.

Which brings me to wanting a chatelaine.

A chatelaine is “a decorative belt hook or clasp worn at the waist with a series of chains suspended from it.” (Wikipedia)

Every stern matron in every vintage gothic horror movie wears one. So you know they are neato. There are all kinds, and they start at the top with a decorative framework, from octopi, to bats, to intricately woven silver abstract designs. Then come the chains, and you see in a lot of antique ones that they have standard thingies hanging from them, like needle holders, scissors, keys, and even a little purse for pocket change, or bribes, or whatever!

I think mine would have scissors, snacks, a notebook, one to 34 pens, a flask, a teeny tiny watercolor kit (to use the water from the flask, duh), and at least one lipstick. I will have to test drive my chatelaine to see what’s missing. Probably more pens and more lipstick. Also one of those fake hotel keyrings which says: BATES MOTEL. Just to keep ‘em guessing.

I think in this scenario, my phone is strapped to my thigh.

Or maybe surgically attached to my body somehow*, because it’s worth it not to muss up the aesthetics of my awesome chatelaine.

Have a great rest of your week, y’all :)

TRL

*Yes, as a matter of fact I DO watch a lot of horror movies.